Monday, August 28, 2006.
thanks for all the concern, all else is cool. (:
` ♥ 5:23 PM
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Wednesday, August 23, 2006.
i know im so gonna regret typing this emotional shit entry, im just going to go ahead with it.
for countless times, i've started an entry; only to find that it is ultimately stupid or its going to turn out so awfully emotional and so i just close the window altogether.
maybe i do not love God as much as other girls do. and perhaps yes, i've changed.
whatever happened to the 'love people for who they are' theory?
oh yes,
i forgot the sentence that comes after that. they love you too much for you to stay the way you are.
it has been a mighty long struggle. right from the very start.
a year ago, i got into poly. wanting nothing but to get over and done with it.
i thought orientation was lame and the freshmen were nothing but monkeys so that the junior year students can have their fun with their lame-arse forfeits and punishments.
i still thought about jon and how things would turn out to be. even now, i still allow myself to dream about how things would have been like. it sounds mighty silly, but it would have been perfect. it seems that fate/God plays a funny game. when things seem to be turning out so well, everything crashes and it becomes nothing but crap.
i still hate myself for getting mad at jon. i still don't know why i got so fucking angry and scared. it felt so real that i got fucking scared. if i were to be given a second chance, i would do things so differently. i really should have gone with him. only if i picked up that call, and i composed myself well enough to allow the both of us to make calm, sane decisions. things would have been fine. i told myself that i will not allow myself to regret this decision. but the truth is, i do regret it. and there's nothing i can do about it now.
when i met someone new, i thought everything was going to be okay. but this is so much more complicated than before, and i fucking hate it.
people change. i've changed. have i?
i used to know where all of this is heading, but right now, i really don't.
where has the fucking insanity went? the fucking insanity that taught me to say that its okay to wait. because right now, i have no idea what i am doing. no idea at all.
i just want to take it a step at a time. i don't go for cell or service, but i know i love God.
he told me that christians who don't live it out right ain't christians. im not denying that that is true. but christians are human beings. I AM HUMAN.
maybe i am more secular as compared to other christians girls. i really have no fucking idea what im doing okay. im just being myself and suddenly i have to be absolutely holymoly to gain the right to fall in love?
just because im not absolutely holymoly, that means that i only deserve to be lamearse jerks who fuck and run all the time? is that it?
i can go to church, and attend cell week after week. but i only do so because i asked to do so. it defeats the purpose of it all doesn't it? you said you'll wait until i decide to go back to church; because i want to, not because you want me to. i know where you're coming from. but i can't help but have insane thoughts running through my mind.
i have to be good and holymoly so that i can be in a relationship? i have to change to be someone i don't quite want to be now, so that i can keep this going? i don't even know how i feel. im fucking angry, fuming mad, bloody upset, lost. its driving me insane.
i don't even know how i feel towards the guy i was in love with. i look at him and i feel a strong mix of so many feelings, i really feel like giving up now. i feel like saying, since im no longer the girl you fell in love with a year ago and you really think i've changed, then why don't you just let go and move on?
it hurts you when i say such things. but be mindful, it hurts me too.
because you still love me and you want to see me change?
i feel like a fucking fool.
because i don't even know how to feel. and it seems i can't control my emotions.
i feel like a bloody fucking fool.
after a year, all it has come to, is this.
i hate life's foolish games.
` ♥ 6:50 PM
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Friday, August 18, 2006.
(random)
it is high time to go back to swimming, running and tanning.
(/random)
` ♥ 11:04 PM
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