i hate the pain of fear.
not being able to hate nor love with that free will.

i honestly have no idea what to do with my life. at this rate, i'm better off dead.

` ♥ 12:37 AM

***

meme to kill boredom.

I have read a book before.
I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
I have been to Canada. (GRRR! SOOON! i swear.)
I have been on some sort of sports team.
I have watched cartoons for hours before
I have tripped UP the stairs.
I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
I have been snowboarding/skiing.
I have played ping pong.
I swam in the ocean.
I have been on a whale watch.
I have seen fireworks.
I have seen a shooting star.
I have seen a meteor shower.
I have almost drowned.
I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
I have listened to one cd over & over & over again.
I have had stitch(es).
I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
I have stayed up til 6am doing homework/projects.
I currently have a job.
I have been ice skating.
I have been rollerblading.
I have fallen flat on my face.
I have tripped over my own two feet.
I have been in a fist fight.
I have played videogames/com for more than 3 hours straight.
I have watched The Power Rangers before.
I do / have attended Church regularly.
I have played truth or dare.
I have already had my 16th birthday.
I have already had my 17th birthday.
I’ve called someone stupid. And meant it.
I’ve been in a verbal argument.
I’ve cried in school.
I’ve played basketball on a team.
I’ve played softball on a team.
I’ve played football on a team.
I’ve played soccer on a team.
I’ve done cheerleading on a team.
I’ve swam on a team.
I’ve been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
I’ve bungee jumped.
I’ve climbed a rock wall before.
I’ve lost more than $20.
I’ve called myself an idiot
I’ve called someone else an idiot
I’ve cried myself to sleep
I’ve had (or have) pets.
I’ve owned a Spice Girls cd. and or tape
I’ve owned a Britney Spears cd
I’ve owned an N*Sync cd
I’ve owned a Backstreet Boys cd
I’ve mooned someone
I’ve sworn at someone in authority
I’ve been in the schoolnewspaper / insights.
I’ve been on TV (called in on CNA)
I’ve eaten sushi.
I’ve been on the other side of a waterfall (erm, do the fake ones at the swimming pool count?)
I’ve watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
I’ve watched all the Harry Potter movies.
I’ve watched the 3 Stooges at least once.
I’ve watched “Newlyweds” Nick & Jessica.
I’ve watched Looney Tunes before.
I’ve been stuffed into a locker
I’ve been called a geek.
I’ve not studied at all for a test and aced it.
I’ve met a celebrity / music / TV artist.
I’ve written poetry.
I’ve been arrested
I’ve been attracted to someone much older than me
I’ve been tickled till I’ve cried
I’ve tickled someone else until they cried
I’ve had / have siblings
I’ve been to a rock concert
I’ve listened to classical music and enjoyed it
I’ve been in a play
I’ve been picked last in gym class
I’ve been picked first in gym class or so
Ive been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
I’ve cried in front of my friends
I’ve read a book longer than 1,000 pages
I’ve freaked out over a sports game
I’ve vomited in public
I’ve washed someone else’s vomit
I’ve ran away
I’ve had a stalker
I’ve had a fight with someone on txt
I’ve had a fight with someone face-to-face
I’ve been in a car accident
I’ve forgiven someone who has done something bad to me (HAHAHA! neh.)
I’ve personally seen someone die
I’ve been confronted by a police officer but got away
I’ve lost someone who meant the world

end-.

` ♥ 12:17 AM

***




thanks for all the concern, all else is cool. (:

` ♥ 5:23 PM

***




i know im so gonna regret typing this emotional shit entry, im just going to go ahead with it.
for countless times, i've started an entry; only to find that it is ultimately stupid or its going to turn out so awfully emotional and so i just close the window altogether.

maybe i do not love God as much as other girls do. and perhaps yes, i've changed.
whatever happened to the 'love people for who they are' theory?

oh yes,
i forgot the sentence that comes after that. they love you too much for you to stay the way you are.

it has been a mighty long struggle. right from the very start.
a year ago, i got into poly. wanting nothing but to get over and done with it.
i thought orientation was lame and the freshmen were nothing but monkeys so that the junior year students can have their fun with their lame-arse forfeits and punishments.

i still thought about jon and how things would turn out to be. even now, i still allow myself to dream about how things would have been like. it sounds mighty silly, but it would have been perfect. it seems that fate/God plays a funny game. when things seem to be turning out so well, everything crashes and it becomes nothing but crap.

i still hate myself for getting mad at jon. i still don't know why i got so fucking angry and scared. it felt so real that i got fucking scared. if i were to be given a second chance, i would do things so differently. i really should have gone with him. only if i picked up that call, and i composed myself well enough to allow the both of us to make calm, sane decisions. things would have been fine. i told myself that i will not allow myself to regret this decision. but the truth is, i do regret it. and there's nothing i can do about it now.

when i met someone new, i thought everything was going to be okay. but this is so much more complicated than before, and i fucking hate it.
people change. i've changed. have i?

i used to know where all of this is heading, but right now, i really don't.
where has the fucking insanity went? the fucking insanity that taught me to say that its okay to wait. because right now, i have no idea what i am doing. no idea at all.

i just want to take it a step at a time. i don't go for cell or service, but i know i love God.
he told me that christians who don't live it out right ain't christians. im not denying that that is true. but christians are human beings. I AM HUMAN.

maybe i am more secular as compared to other christians girls. i really have no fucking idea what im doing okay. im just being myself and suddenly i have to be absolutely holymoly to gain the right to fall in love?

just because im not absolutely holymoly, that means that i only deserve to be lamearse jerks who fuck and run all the time? is that it?

i can go to church, and attend cell week after week. but i only do so because i asked to do so. it defeats the purpose of it all doesn't it? you said you'll wait until i decide to go back to church; because i want to, not because you want me to. i know where you're coming from. but i can't help but have insane thoughts running through my mind.

i have to be good and holymoly so that i can be in a relationship? i have to change to be someone i don't quite want to be now, so that i can keep this going? i don't even know how i feel. im fucking angry, fuming mad, bloody upset, lost. its driving me insane.

i don't even know how i feel towards the guy i was in love with. i look at him and i feel a strong mix of so many feelings, i really feel like giving up now. i feel like saying, since im no longer the girl you fell in love with a year ago and you really think i've changed, then why don't you just let go and move on?

it hurts you when i say such things. but be mindful, it hurts me too.

because you still love me and you want to see me change?

i feel like a fucking fool.
because i don't even know how to feel. and it seems i can't control my emotions.
i feel like a bloody fucking fool.

after a year, all it has come to, is this.

i hate life's foolish games.

` ♥ 6:50 PM

***




(random)

it is high time to go back to swimming, running and tanning.

(/random)

` ♥ 11:04 PM

***




It's been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror
I guess that I was blind
Now my reflection's getting clearer
Now that you're gone things will never be the same again

There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every day
You're such a part of me
But I just pulled away
Well, I'm not the same girlYou used to know
I wish I said the words I never showed

I know you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it now
You're the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to have you back now
Here with me
Here with me

You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart
And I wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true
But I was scared and left it all behind

I know you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it now
You're the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to have you back now
Here with me
Here with me

And I'm asking
And I'm wanting you to come back to me
Please?

I never will forget that look uponYour face
How you turned away and left
Without a trace
But I understand that you did what you had to do
And I thank you

I know you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it now
You're the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to have you back now
Here with me
Here with me

` ♥ 11:49 PM

***


i'm just so darn tired.

why does life drain us like that?

` ♥ 3:58 PM

***




i wish i could go back to the very first day i saw you.

i was surfing friendster as a sneaky anonymous character and it amazes me how much people have changed. suddenly i realize how i hadn't seen some people for dino ages. one got married, the other one went abroad, juniors graduated to colleges. it's funny how i hadn't seen them for so long but yet somewhere in my heart, i still do care the same way for these people.

i'm still concerned about whether couples are still together. i get upset when i discover some have gone their separate ways, and fearful that some might. and of course, i feel relieved and secretly blissful to know that some are still together after 6 long years.
its almost as if i can feel their joy and i share that joy. perhaps that the main reason why i believe that relationships do work out.

do you ever grow tired of someone?

it seems right to say that it has been a long time. but then again, i don't think that it's long enough a period. how can i ever measure eternity? it feels so real and vague at the same time.

i made a promise to myself; that someday, i'll run away. someday.
to some where far and foreign. i like the tingling feeling that fills me up when i'm somewhere unfamiliar. it feels so void but yet so strangely satisfying at the same time.

i miss the smell of sun warmed grass. it reminds me of my childhood. have you ever smelled that scent? it's raw and refreshing. so clean, warm and innocent.

i'll like to roam the streets alone. as the night falls, i'll embrace the loneliness. i wouldn't care less if the emptiness overwhelms me.

carelessness
i'll just embrace it; just as it is.

` ♥ 1:10 AM

***




tonight's a beautiful night. breathtaking views.
its so pleasant to meet people with depth (:

now i wished i could write and fully express myself with words so eloquent and descriptions so beautiful.

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda


` ♥ 12:32 AM

***

there's nothing you need to know.

and so it is the shorter story
no love, no glory
no hero in her sky.

bern{x}
cheryl{x}
gwen {x}
janice {x}
mayb{x}

June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006